The Magnificent Shambles
Racing Team:
a parody of F1 grandiosity
Chassis:
Eifellasi ES-01
Founded by merging the remains of an Eifelland workshop with whatever was left of Bellasi after everyone else had borrowed the good spanners.
 |
| 1970-71 Bellasi F1 |
 |
| KNAUS Eifelland 500 (Team Motorhome) |
Official philosophy:
“If it fits, we’ll race it. If it doesn’t fit, we’ll modify it with hammers and release it as an upgrade”.
The car has:
• one beautifully sculpted sidepod,
• one experimental sidepod,
• and one sidepod “still under evaluation.”
Nobody is entirely certain which is which.
Team Principal
Old 4 by 2, John (Sir) Squeeze
Technical Director
Slim O’Crumble
Only Slim could walk into such chaos and calmly remark,
“My design for the suspension geometry isn’t hopeless.
It’s merely… imaginary.
Shave more weight off …”
He spends every Friday explaining to the mechanics that aluminium fatigue is not a motivational technique.
Title Sponsor
 |
1976 Durex-Surtees |
Slogan:
“Designed to prevent unexpected withdrawals or slip-ups.”
The rear wing proudly carries:
“Reliable protection for all your rubber.”
The FIA initially objects until someone points out they’re referring to tyres.
Drivers
Freddie Swearvyne,
Car No. 13
A spectacularly gifted qualifier who inevitably forgets where the controls are to engage first gear.
Graeme Knob, Car No. 14
A veteran who insists every handling problem can be fixed by “more opposite lock.”
Chief Engineer:
Miles Coucghup
Someone who previously organised village fêtes, by copying plans from other nearby villages.
His race strategy consists of:
• “Let’s see what happens.”
• “Can we blame the weather?”
• “Is seventh close enough to fifth?”
Pit Stops
Average time:
Anything from 2.4 seconds to end of tea break.
The wheel guns occasionally work.
Engineering Meetings
Chief Engineer, Miles Coucghup:
“We’ve discovered the fix for yesterday’s vibration.”
John (Sir) Squeeze:
“Excellent.”
Chief Engineer, Miles Coucghup:
“Today’s vibration.”
Graeme Knob wanders over…
“Good stuff…
The mechanics appear to have built the thing from leftover enthusiasm.
I rather admire that.”
Freddie Swearvyne arrives five minutes late(r)…
“Look at it.
It’s held together with optimism and sponsorship stickers: Durex bound with Gaffer tape.
Half the paddock spends £300 million trying to gain two tenths.
These lads have gained four places by forgetting to panic.
I’d sign for them.
Well… maybe not.
Actually…
Depends what Durex are paying.”
And somewhere in the paddock, a modern team principal sighs:
“We need a comprehensive stakeholder review before attempting any innovation.”
Meanwhile, the Eifellasi mechanics have solved the same problem with a larger hammer, two cable ties, and the reassuring words:
“That’ll do. Probably.”
Having followed motor racing for 70 years now, I realised recently which of the things I particularly enjoy are missing nowadays:
ReplyDeleteHumour;
Fun;
Camaraderie.
So here is a bit of tongue in cheek fantasy inspired by the past.
Enjoy!
Jim